Holiday stuff so fine, I can magically rhyme.

A Hyper-Specific, Super-Sporadic, Delightfully Chaotic Gift Guide

Twine is nice, tinsel is better

Oh, look! What’s that? A holiday sweater?

Alas, no festive cashmere to cover your tummy

But keep on scrolling, cuz I did find some gummies

This poem is pure nonsense, that is for sure

That martini menorah, however, should even the score

Holiday stuff has a history of sucking

So I took it upon myself to do some plucking

For things that are equal parts festive, precious, sweet

And pretty enough for you to wish for and keep

Olympia Le Tan Sugar Plums Book Clutch, $1,820

Honestly, I can’t get enough of these book clutches (this one, if you’re a Brentwood Country Mart stan, is everything). Unapologetic whimsy and decadence at its finest, it’s what we editors lovingly call an “heirloom-worthy investment piece” which translates to “very pretty, very expensive, but very pretty.”

John Derian Krampus Ornaments, $46

The TL;DL version of the Krampus legend goes a little something like this: While St. Nicholas travels the world rewarding good children with gifts and treats, scary old Krampus punishes the bad ones with twigs and sticks. Kind of puts lumps of coal to shame, doesn’t it? Keep your enemies close, I say.

Garden Glory Christmas Tree Stand, $699

No tree skirt needed.

Chefanie Disco Ball Napkins, $98

They say mushrooms are to Gen Z what pineapples were to Millennials. I take personal offense to that generality. F*ck pineapples. It’s all about disco balls for this Geriatric Millennial.

Tsu Lange Yor Dreidel, $1,178

Made by hand and cast in recycled aluminum alloy, this is not your bubbe’s dreidel.

It’s Troye Sivan’s.

Gucci Osteria Traditional Panettone, $160

Gucci unveils one of these special Panettone tins annually, and it’s consistently lovely enough to keep around as storage all year long. As for the pan inside, dear friends of ours have a tradition of making it into French toast on Xmas morning and it’s delicious.

Gohar Bottle Apron, $28

Dress your Champers in cotton and lace.

Molly J. Advent Calendar, $89

An advent calendar for stressed-out grownups. These gummies are pure CBD, meaning that (for better or for worse) they do not get you stoned, but rather offer a full-body sigh of gentle relief.

Wedgwood Charles Jeffrey LOVERBOY Ornament, $165

Wedgwood, but make it punk.

Jess Wheeler Brass & Freshwater Pearl Mistletoe, $850

Did you know that fresh mistletoe can be poisonous to humans? Why risk it when you can have a gilded version? I’ll let you do the price-per-season math but pretty sure it’ll pay for itself in a few decades.

Susan Alexandra Dirty Martini Menorah, $325

As far as novelty Judaica goes, this piece of art is so beyond kitschy that it’s downright cool. Susan Alexander also makes some wildly fun dreidels; at $28 a pop you can take ‘em all out for a spin.

Days United Color Coded Hanukkah Candles, $14

I can’t tell my left from my right. If you’ve ever driven with me you know this to be a very frustrating fact. Eight nights of Hanukah? More like eight nights of directional dyslexia. This candle set takes the confusion out of keeping track of what candle goes where and in what order.

Brite Star Vintage Icicles, $18

Never change.

Judaica Standard Time Hanukkah Card 3-Pack, $9

Celebrate the festival of light with some analog letter writing…just not too close to the Martini menorah.