For a Substack slacker coming back bigger, better, and a bit of an exhibitionist.
A Hyper-Specific, Super-Sporadic, Delightfully Chaotic Gift Guide
Professional-level procrastinator. In the throes of a love affair with things that are sheer, mesh, organza, lace, and generally see-through. Is her own muse. Has had JMSN’s Soft Spon on repeat since 2023. Worships at the altar of Chloë Sevigny. Double Scorpio.
Bottega Veneta Drop Earrings, $950
Would happily miss a car payment to make them mine.
831 Stories Pleasure Reading Pouch, $45
Insert reading-for-pleasure pun here. No, but seriously: 831 Stories romance novels are bite-sized, funny, and not too smutty, which, depending on your heavy-breathing threshold, may be a selling point or a deterrent. ANYWAY. The pouch fits four 831 books and presents deceptively sweet on a bookshelf.
fleur du mal Bouquet Lace Boxer Brief, $138
I have these, and honestly, they make me feel hotter than any lingerie ever did. Ms. du Mal, if you’re reading this, please consider making more colors. Merci beaucoup.
For when begging Santa for an under-eye blepharoplasty fails.
Reformation Isabella Tote, $268
A nice stand-in for a straw tote.
Kat The Label Lottie Pants, $110
Picturing these with a ludicrously capacious t-shirt now and a ludicrously capacious sweater later.
Fazeek Transparent Straws, $25
Plastic straws suck.
I see London
I see France
I see Kate’s underpants
(It comes with a detachable slip. Relax.)
Chan Luu Scallop Cord Necklace, $290
An almost-but-not-quite choker necklace for holding on to what’s left of summer for dear life.
Christopher Esber Jo Flip Flop, $300
Flip flops are tough. I have a soft spot for classic Havaianas, most geriatric millennials do. These are like that, but grown-up and unironically fashiony (the best kind of fashiony, IMO). And like Havaianas, they come in loads of colors.
True Botanicals Bronze Well Regenerative Glow Drops, $120
Over a Jones chop salad, a dear friend and I were bonding over a shared loyalty to Saltyface Tanning Water (both naturally translucent, both buy the light/medium drops). What she doesn’t know is that I’ve started layering these bronzing drops OVER day two of the tanning drops for an extra smooch of sunless sun.
Hand Over Leandro’s Skirt, $98
I have it in pink. Help me justify purchasing two sheer sequin skirts, yeah?